Why does what you do with good intentions as a leader not work?

Why does a new leader create tension? And what can you do about it?

Are you new at the helm? Or have you been leading for a long time but something is not going your way?
Have you ever been in a situation where everything was professionally correct – but you hit a wall?
Even though you made an introductory speech, you were straightforward, you gave the directions – did people still close their eyes or just nod in silence?

You may still be wondering:
“What should I have done differently?”

The answer is often not in the tactics, not in the goals, not even in the person.
But in the deeper, unconscious patterns that the emergence of a new leader triggers in the team. It’s not enough to want to be good at these – you have to understand them.

The childhood pattern: ‘I’m being told what to do again’

Many of us grew up with our parents and teachers deciding for us. With good intentions, but firmly. Sometimes they helped, sometimes they stifled. And when a new boss comes along as an adult – especially if we don’t know him or her yet – that experience unconsciously comes back.

Not consciously. It is not intentional. But it’s there: – “He’s in charge now.”
– “I’ll have to adapt again.”
– “I’ll be expected to conform now.”

This inner reflex pulls the worker back into a kind of child’s role – where he does not create, but waits. Not building, but watching what can and cannot be done. And if the manager doesn’t see what’s happening, he or she steps into the other side: the role of the “bad parent”.

And if you’re already in this role…?

It’s still not too late. In fact, maybe now is the time to really start driving. Because people don’t move on command, they move on connection. They don’t want to know your status, they want to know how you treat them.

And I’m not just saying this to new leaders. Experienced drivers also fall into the trap time and time again. Because that’s what the organization teaches: ‘Be decisive. Lead clearly. Clarify expectations.”
All of this is important. Just not enough.

The example of Satya Nadella – leadership by trust, not status

When Satya Nadella took over Microsoft, he was left with a successful but internally fragmented company. Divisions competed with each other. Communication was top-down. Decisions were made through a hierarchy.

And Nadella didn’t change this by power – he changed it by attitude.
He didn’t want to be a “big boss”. Instead, he asked questions. He listened. He drew a map – not gave directions.

He said:

“My job is to create an environment where people can flourish – not to invent everything myself.”

This attitude has not only changed the culture – it has also changed the results. Microsoft has become more open, more collaborative and more agile. Not because of a new structure, but because of a different kind of leadership.

What can you do as a leader to avoid becoming a “bad parent”?

1. Don’t rush.
The greatest strength is attention. If you don’t want to impose your system on the team at first, but get to know how they work, what they’ve been through, what they’re afraid of – you’ll start from a different place.

2. Treat people as partners.
They may have had a different kind of leader before. Maybe they’re used to just executing. That doesn’t mean they don’t want more autonomy. They just need to believe first that they can really get it from you.

3. Communicate clearly – but not in command.
Instead of “this is how it’s going to be from now on”, “I think this is the direction we should go – what do you think?” invites a completely different way of working. It activates not children, but thinking, responsible people.

4. Don’t just give direction, give space.
A good leader is not good because he or she always comes up with the best answer. It’s about giving space to other people’s thoughts, questions and doubts. This is the basis of trust. And without trust there is no long distance.

Finally: don’t be perfect – be present

This is the most important. People don’t expect you to know everything. They expect you to be there. They care. Respect what they know. Don’t make them a child again. Instead, help them function as adults – and you can do the same.

Good leadership is not control. Good leadership is connection.

Attila Jezsó

Have a question? Contact us and together we will put together a tailor-made development package. We can even support you on the spot with consultants and coaches to make the change a success!

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